“The beginnings of a daily facade” Interview Transcript

 By Bianca Matthews

All around me I always see education on how people like me, youth, can improve their mental health. How the children within our society can educate themselves. Everything is about youth. But not once have I ever thought to turn around and ask my parents how they cope with their own mental health struggles. This interview with my father is centered around how growing up in the Carribean shaped his perception towards dealing with his own mental health as an adult. 

“The beginnings of a daily facade” Interview Transcript

Interviewer: Hey dad, thanks for allowing me to speak with you about this. Just know that even though I am your daughter, you don’t have to disclose anything you aren’t comfortable disclosing. But just know that I am open to all subject matters. 

Dad: Ok that’s good to know Bianca. Let’s take it one question at a time.

Interviewer: Perfect. Let’s start. 

Interview: What was it like growing up in the Caribean?

Dad: It was fun. 

Interviewer: What was fun about it? What did you do during your free time?

Dad: A lot of sports, I had a sports-filled childhood. I also enjoyed the outdoors. Growing up in a very rural area, I had a lot of fresh air, cool mornings, and enjoyed nature. This also gave me more space to practice my sports. 

Interviewer: You said you played a lot of sports right? How often did you practice? 

Dad: Monday through Friday, pick up games on Saturdays. 

Interviewer: So basically every day?

Dad: Except Sunday because of Church.

Interviewer: When were you ever able to sit down and reflect then?

Dad: There wasn’t time for that if it wasn’t in my schedule. So really only on the weekends or after chores. 

Interviewer: So you basically had allotted time all to yourself to reflect and just think?

Dad: I wouldn’t say I had allotted time though. Those are just the days that I had time to do it because I had other more important things to do like my chores or sports. That wasn’t really my priority, or anyone’s priority, when we were growing up. 

Interviewer: I noticed you mentioned chores a lot. In fact, you labeled that as more important than time for you to sit down and reflect. Why is that?

Dad: Culturally in Jamaica, I was taught that doing chores and always over-exerting myself in sports and academics meant that I presented myself better and as someone who was successful and put together (like someone with a higher status). Taking time to “think or reflect” would have made me look weak or like I wasn’t trying hard enough to obtain my goals. It was always about everyone else’s perception of you versus your own wellbeing. 

Interviewer: See I find that so interesting. Even though you said earlier that sports were your way of having fun, it’s clear that it was also an activity with a deeper purpose of trying to seem like the “true” well-rounded Jamaican citizen. Did you ever feel stress by participating in these activities?

Dad: Looking back at it now, there was a lot of pressure to excel and maintain success. And as someone who was thought of as a leader in academics and sports in my school, there was always that pressure I put on myself to maintain my status of doing well. That self-imposed pressure was just always gnawing away at the back of my mind.

Interviewer: So who were you able to talk too when you were feeling burnt out or overworked then?

Dad: Well I mean, nobody. Culturally, I was taught to be seen and not heard. I was taught that at home, at church, at school, by random family members. It’s hard to open up. You don’t earn the right to have a voice until you are an adult because to adults, you are nothing but a child. This was fueled by traditions of having to work for your right to speak because being able to speak confidently meant that you were an accomplished person with an important message to share. That’s why I don’t really know how to express myself because I was never really given that opportunity as a child. Now I always wonder if what I say out loud is going to be judged by someone. I’m a really guarded person now.

Interviewer: So how do you think this way of growing up affected you now as an adult?

Dad: I think I have this innate fear or lack of confidence that prohibits me from ever being 100% happy. I just live with my stress by pushing it aside rather than confronting/addressing it head-on. This just kind of leads to me constantly knowing that there’s this piece of negativity in the back of my mind that I haven’t dealt with. But I don’t want to wear people down with my own issues so I don’t find it necessary to tell anyone. 

Interviewer: Do you think this affected you as a parent in any way?

Dad: Yah honestly it did. I was very rigid with how I brought you guys up. I wasn’t allowed to do much as a child because individualistic freedom and doing something that I (emphasize on I) fun wasn’t really something on my radar.  And I feel like I always had this front that I put up. I didn’t want to visibly show if I was ever having a bad day because I once again didn’t want to wear you down with my emotions and then affect your day. 

Interviewer: So honestly I’m starting to see a pattern in your answers. Do you think there was a certain perception surrounding mental health in Jamaica? 

Dad: As someone who works in the health care sector both in Jamaica and Canada, I can definitely say that there’s a negative stigma surrounding mental health and even expressing your emotions. It’s seen as a sign of weakness and inferiority, like a lack of strength. It was weird to work in a hospital where the doctors are supposed to be someone a patient could confide in, but the doctors themselves were calling patients crazy and weak-minded. 

Interviewer: If I wasn’t interviewing you now, how open would you be to having this conversation sporadically? 

Dad: I’d be pretty apprehensive to have this conversation if I’m being honest. I wouldn’t want to seem like I was revealing a vulnerable side of me that would make me seem weak in your eyes. I couldn’t do that as someone who was supposed to constantly be strong for you. The interview itself is a representation of my thought process as an adult. I started really guarded, I didn’t really tell you anything...I think... and ended with me opening up. Kind of like my own life haha.

Interviewer: In a stigma-free world how do you think you would act on a daily basis

Dad: A bit more open to being vulnerable and willing to have difficult conversations. Something I wish I did with you guys when you were younger...I’m sorry that I wasn’t open to you guys, for being such a brick wall. 

Interviewer: Don’t apologize, dad, it honestly wasn’t your fault. That’s just the effects of cultural impact I guess. But anyway to end this interview, is there anything you wish to tell any other parent like you?

Dad: It’s ok to not always be ok. To thine own self be true..that’s my favourite quote. Just be yourself and don’t let anyone else’s perception sway that.

Interviewer: Thanks dad.