Recovery is Possible – But You Have to Want It

The Students in Mind Blog aims to highlight a SIM ambassador each month – an individual who has shown outstanding courage, strength, and resilience in their journey in the face of mental illness. For the month of November, we honor fellow McGill student Claudia Piazza, an inspirational individual who found happiness and health after battling with an eating disorder. Check out her Instagram page, @wellnesswthclaudia, which features creative and engaging content promoting physical and emotional health and wellness! Claudia graciously wrote us a poignant, moving article on her personal struggles and triumphs, in the process of recovery. Give it a read.

By Claudia Piazza

Mental health illness? Eating disorder? What does that all mean? As someone coming out of this illness and the basic definitions of these things can be found on the internet, I’ll tell you what it means to NOT have them. Not having an eating disorder means freeing the mind from the constant thought of food, sleeping at night without worrying what I’ll be having the next day, knowing what it feels like to be warm, not arguing with my parents, going out to restaurants, having energy, strength and concentration but most importantly, not having an eating disorder means learning how to respect my body and its signals.

The hardest thing that I struggled with was wondering whether the demon will ever stop talking to me in a condescending, rudimentary and authoritarian way (I gave it its own identity (let’s call her Ana) because she (the demon) was NOT me, she was someone outside of who I truly am and not someone that I identify with). The reality is, regardless of how you may feel right now, there is a way out and there is a way of silencing that demon until she is no longer part of your life.

When I look back at my journey, what helped me was the realization that I can’t live like this anymore. I noticed that instead of consuming food that is the essence that gives me life, I was consuming the demon’s negativity and irrationality about what I “needed” to do which only weakened me to my core (avoid certain foods, don’t eat over a certain number of calories etc.). I realized that I was 19-year-old that had to be monitored by my parents to ensure that I ate enough, which made me start to question: what kind of life am I living? Is looking a certain way worth suffering mentally and physically? I was so concerned about what others would think of me but in reality, no one actually cares if you’re 5-15 pounds heavier. What they care about is you! Do you care how your friends, brother, sister, mom, aunt/uncle look? No, because it’s not important. Your health trumps all physical traits. With many attempts of simply saying I want to get better; this vicious game was only going to end until I decided it will. That’s when everything shifted for me…

My relationship and view of food made a complete 360 in the last year and a half. I view food as the fuel that helps me grow and using that fuel to feel strong. Food is not the enemy. In fact, it is an enjoyment for me, a liberation. When this light bulb came on, I started to fall in love with working out and the shift went from working out to “burn calories” to working out in order to become stronger. The only way that this can be done was through the consumption of food.

I was always one that loved challenging myself and I think that this disease is proof for that. Ana would challenge my thoughts and play with my emotions by telling me what to do. Rather than challenging myself by pushing my body to unspeakable limits, I decided to shift my focus and challenge ANA’s thoughts and evil desires. I did so by talking to myself in circumstances where my own thoughts (Claudia Piazza’s thoughts) were in conflict with Ana’s. I’d tell myself: “I NEED this food to be healthy”, “this food will make me more alert”, “this food will give me the nutrients I need to live the life I lived before she so sneakily entered”, “my stomach is telling me that I’m hungry which means that my organs and muscles are asking for an energy boost so I need to give it what it needs”.

I’d like to think that I’m always in recovery because it is a constant struggle. However, the rate at which the amount of remarks come in have decreased extravagantly and my ability to supress her nasty comments when they arise has gotten stronger as time goes on. Such an improvement in my wellbeing is thanks to my parents. They have been my rock throughout my struggle not only for their constant monitoring but for their open arms and ears when I needed/need someone to talk to. Expressing my feelings (through speech and writing) has been the best and most effective way of relieving my stress and anxieties. Not only does it make me feel not alone in this situation, but a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders when I do it, I feel lighter (in the mental sense).

As I grew up the ability to eat my meals without surveillance, I then decided that I wanted to share my story online. This highly stigmatized disease leaves many individuals ignorant of the signs of the disorder, how to respond to it and how to help others who are struggling resulting in many people feeling reluctant to seek help. The idea behind my Instagram page “Wellnesswthclaudia”, was to abolish this stigmatization and develop a new knowledgeable and empathetic mentality for the world. I want to give people who are suffering a voice and lend them a hand on the journey to self-respect, self-care and wellbeing.

Our society forces us to focus on how we look which can be extremely detrimental to our health. It has become too common that individuals are hurting their bodies to get to a certain look or weight. Reality is, we are focusing too much on the wrong things! Instead, we should be focusing on how we feel while listening and attending to our body’s needs and functions (honouring your hunger signals, giving your body rest when it needs to etc.). In other words, by aiming to think about what your bodies are capable of doing, we can gain a more sensible and meaningful perspective. Such exercises include telling yourself “My body can walk”, “My body can go to the gym and push heavy weights”, “My body can tell me when I’m hungry” “My body can laugh” etc. This is how we create longevity, respect and care in our society.

Recovery IS possible but, YOU have to want it because NO ONE will do it for you. Use that driving force within you as a power to knock her down and build yourself up.